Transit Tales. Owned or rented.

[Warren t claim]

I suppose I'd better get this started before that twat cuntbuster takes the piss again and starts a thread.

I'll start with my most recent Transit experience. Very recent as it was this afternoon!

I have a side hustle of the Transit recovery truck and weighing in cars. At about 4pm this afternoon I get a phone call from the lad who bankrolls this endeavor telling me to get to his gaff ASAP as he's bought a 2007 SWB FWD Transit 280 for a grand and "you really want to drive this thing!"

I've driven plenty of Transits in my time so I was wondering what all the fuss was about. I turn up and get told to jump in behind the wheel along with him and our mechanic. With them both giggling I'm told to thrash it so I could see how it went. Within a few hundred yards I could see what all the fuss was about, this thing goes like fuck! There's no way a normal FWD Transit should spin its wheels on dry tarmac in both first and second with three people aboard! This thing has to have been remapped because it pulls so hard in fourth gear I was checking that it wasn't in second!

[mercrocker]

Only had one dalliance with Ford's finest commercial and that was a theoretical part-share in a communal SWB MK1 van when we had bikes. I think we chipped in a tenner each and a few more quid to actually achieve forward propulsion. A Zodiac was relieved of its engine and gearbox (the box ended up underneath a V4 Zephyr that I also technically owned but never took possession of) but the diff was left stock - can't remember what happened about the propshaft. I drifted in and out of interest with it in line with girl and work distractions but it was a useful tool for recovering fucked bikes and when "fitted" with the Zodiac seats in the back made excellent gig transport. Somebody's cousin's mate worked at the Transit plant in Eastleigh and managed to extract a damaged pig-front from a Diesel so that the V6 would fit.

About the only things I remember of Transit were getting stopped by the old bill for, well, just about everything really. It ended up with us being lined up along the pavement (8 of us) whilst the dangers of slidy seats in the back were prattled on about. Truthfully, there was fuck all wrong with the van, 3 of its owners being BL mechanics, and the cozzers finally admitted we were only in breach of C&U regs and need to bolt the seats down properly before "using it like that again". This was down-graded to "on yer way" upon invitation to partake a selection of our porn stash in an ammo box between the rear wheel arch and back door (which also formed another seat but fortunately not on this occasion).

The other memory is of one of the "members" birds painting a BSA emblem on one of the side panels which was deemed to look "shit" causing a temporary meltdown and loss of privileges to said member's member for a couple of weeks. We tactfully decided the whole van needed painting which was duly achieved with rollers and some blue paint from God knows where which had the consistency and finish comparable to that of a toffee apple. I can remember the "attractive" runs down the inside via the rear air vents which dripped on the black Ambla seats....

Predictably the thing shat its diff a bit later and despite some pub-based sermonising from one of the brethren about the "possibility" of adapting the IRS from the remains of the Zodiac I think the whole thing went off to the shitter along with the Zodiac, "my" Zephyr and a Triumph 2000 that all resided in one long-suffering Mum's back garden....I still have pics of the Zodiac donor somewhere but sadly none that I can recall of the Transit.

[Asimo]

Mk1 Transit V4 was one of my rides when I was learning. I think I’ve probably driven an example of every generation of Transit although the only one I’ve owned is my Connect, which I’ve now had for ten years!
The learner V4 was Mum’s. Unbelievably rotten at just 5 years old, oil warning light permanently on, 15mpg easily attainable. No brake servo, both feet on the brake pedal and stand up, pulling against the steering wheel if you were serious about stopping quickly. Manual steering was a workout even with the crossply tyres. (Remoulds ofcourse) Pedals were floor-hinged. Fantastic heater for a 60s vehicle.
Plenty of room in the back for a shag…

[Hooli]

When I worked at Dulux we had a banana Transit as a delivery van, brilliant fun in the wet or ice when driving as RWD was intended to be driven. That did occasionally* result in spilt paint in the back though.

The bastards replaced it with a wanky FWD Transhit that was fucking awful. It might have been faster and quieter but it was shit to drive. One of the worst gear changes ever and all the traction control did was cause axle tramp while wheel spinning as much as it would anyway, so I always turned it off.

The last one I drove was the other year. Nearly new from Enterprise. It actually drove really nicely and was a pleasant place to be once Eddie told me to to disable the fucking dangerous stop start that caused it to cut out while moving in traffic or parking

[xtriple]

The only ones I've ever driven have been hire vans (so fucked and thrashed but jolly useful!) or the ones the old firm got just before I left. Long wheelbase High roofed things that were utterly hated by me. I much preferred the old Mazda panel vans we had before with the petrol 2 litre engines, they were fun to drive/slide/thrash.

[cuntbuster]

I suppose I'd better get this started before that twat cuntbuster takes the piss again and starts a thread.

Ah fuck it, I was just about to post up Fiesta Fun but screw you all.

Transits, how about a mk2, round headlamp, sliding driver door, passenger one hinged and side load door hinged as well, can't remember if swb or lwb but single wheel with tin hub caps. Body totally fucked, lumps of filler the size of your fist. Got some offcuts of carpet from the local nightclub that had just been through a refit and did out the load bay. Mate borrowed it one night for a bunk up with some skanky bint and, 1, tore open his jap eye, 2, got crabs. Blood all over the fake sheepskin seat cover after driving himself to accident and emergency d3pt.

[Hooli]

I've just remembered the school minibus when I was at birding school (nowt fancy but the only place that'd take me after I was expelled from primary). It was a mk1 twin rear wheel.jobbie in red. Memorable because if it snowed the even trip out consided of Mr Sladden driving it sideways down every beck lane he could find for two hours while reminding us not to let Mr Bicnell, the head, know.

Quite often we'd end up pushing it out of a ditch at some point too.

[Uncle Albert]

I once spent an hour in the passenger seat of a MKIV Transit being regaled by the driver about how the world is flat.

Getting out of the van at the end it took all my self control not to reply to "will you look up the stuff on the Internet" with a Partridge style "No way you big spastic you're a mentalist".

I did think the Transit in question was a pleasant thing, mind, they'd come along way since the early MK3 that was my previous Transit experience.

[Warren t claim]

[Warren t claim]