Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

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Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by Warren t claim »

Here's a golden oldie from February 2011. I can't believe how much my life has changed in 8 years.


Back in the late 1980s I used to supplement my meagre student grant/giro by working as a fiver a night driver for a banger auction. Back in thoses days the sort of sub £500 chod I was lucky enough to drive around the "block" was the stuff of dreams to any shiter in the second decade of the 21st century.



Most of us have at some point in our driving careers had a punt or two on some old nail so I thought I'd tell the story from the perspective of someone who saw the good the bad and the ugly from through the windscreen.



Today banger auctions are largely extinct but 20/30 years ago they were the easiest place to pick up the car you needed at the price you could afford. You simply turned up holding the folding and drove away there and then.



The sheer variety of vehicles on offer in those days for a couple of weeks wages was much greater than today.



Most dealers in new Iron Curtain stuff were offering £1000 min part ex on your old banger so it wasn't unusual for the same old rusty Datsun Violet to be punted around the ring three or four times a month. Mind you, the local Lada dealer was also reluctant to retail any Lada over four years old so many legitimate, one owner Ladas were sold to the public via the auction, often showing less than 20,000 miles. Older Ladas were also always a total nightmare to start and drive because many of them seemed to have faulty ignition barrels meaning that you had to find the hidden switch that the owner had fitted. Another common Lada problem was the throttle pedal being about 18" off the carpet for some reason.



Plenty of FSOs made it to auction about this time as well. £800 would normally secure you a three year old example. Many were already knocking their brains out at this young age as well!



BL chod was always a joy to start as well. Many times I went to pull the choke out to start an old Mini or Toledo and have the knob and a couple of feet of choke cable come through the dash!



I vividly remember my first series Landy experience as it involved a small crash... I had already started the engine so I pushed the gear lever over to the right and forwards to engage first, unfortunatly the detent to stop you engaging reverse was missing so when I released the clutch it shot backwards about three foot and into the fence!



Rover Sd1s were notorious for locking the unwary auction driver in. I don't think I ever drove one with working electric windows either.



Vans and commercials were always a pain because you couldn't park them in front of the rostrum because the auctioneer wouldn't be able to see who, if anyone, was bidding.



A common auction dodge was to disconnect the bonnet release catch so any prospective buyer couldn't see the state of the engine. Fine in theory but bad in practice if the car had a weak battery and needed the 24v truck battery for a jump start.



Back then it was common for clued up punters to ask you if you could "find fifth" as the numbers on the gearknob quite often to a little lie. Also people used to lean through the drivers window and wag the tiller on things like Princesses and Datsun Laurels to see if it had power steering.



I must say I thoroughly enjoyed my little stint as an auction driver. I only quit because Xmas was coming and the allure of working behind the bar at a local nightclub was too tempting. Mind you, I probably wouldn't of caught a dose of the clap off a rusty Fiat Strada unlike that sexy South African girl called Natalie but that's another story.
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by Uncle Albert »

Reading tales like these always makes me feel like I missed the golden age of shit cars. By my time all the FSOs, Ladas et al were on their well on their way out, and the Korean and Malaysian stuff that came next were disappointingly competent.
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by bub2006 »

Any chance of some more auction stories too to go with the cabbies thread? I find them really interesting.
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by Warren t claim »

bub2006 wrote: Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:49 pm Any chance of some more auction stories too to go with the cabbies thread? I find them really interesting.
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by The Reverend Bluejeans »

I mileage corrected a 1989 Jetta from 250k to 102k in 1994 and fired it through Witney Auction (WOMA) after a day spent minting it up.

'Has the vehicle covered over 100'000 miles' it asked on the window sheet.

You fucking bet it has.

It was later seen being used as a taxi.
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by Warren t claim »

A word about clutches.

I was tasked (thanklessly) to take a reasonable looking pre facelift Mk2 Granada 2.0L around the ring. It was real poverty spec without even PAS, just a huge two spoke steering wheel. I start the Pinto powered Grenade and it springs into life idling at about 1500 RPM, I then try to engage first but the clutch is super heavy and creaky so that coupled with the racing tickover I eventually find first and slip the clutch to follow a Princess up to the rostrum. No way was I going to put it into neutral so I managed to lock my left leg into a position where it didn't hurt and waited for the Princess to have its moment of fame. Obviously punters were milling about the ring between the cars when I hear a crack bang noise and the clutch cable snaps on me! Now with the Granada on full choke there was no fucking way it was going to stall and lurched forward about to crush a couple walking between itself and the Princess... I still don't know how my reactions were quick enough to jam the brakes on and save two people from severe leg injuries worthy of Alton Towers! Another clutch incident was slightly less dramatic, I'd jumped into one of those cars I wish I could have saved even back then due to its rarity, an early one owner Lada in that orange colour part exed from the Lada main stealers. How early was this Lada? Well I'm not sure of the reg but it had a horn ring which was really rare even then. It started great and pulled away just as it's clutch fucking exploded! I've had clutches fail before when they wear out or the pressure plate collapses but this sounded like an IRA bomb and cleared the auction hall before leaving an acrid smell... Sold to the scrapman for £50. Another car that nearly caused me heart failure was a black Alfasud Sprint, the two door coupe version that despite looking tidy from about ten yards up close had enough frilly edges to let you know it was as rotten as a pear underneath. Now the seller had left a sign on the window stating NO BRAKES doubtless to clear his conscience so I edged it up to the ring using the flat OSF tyre as some sort of rolling resistance brake. After the hammer dropped, once again £50 to the scrapman I drove it out of the ring and towards the yard at the rear when a punter who'd just bought a white MK5 Cortina 1.3L decides to cut in front of me to get out of the yard. With nowhere to go I grab the handbrake, no good as not just the lever but the whole assembly comes away in my hand (must of been the cause of no brakes in the first place) leaving me the only option of twatting one of those BMC EA (I think) vans to stop.

More to follow later.

I can't help but think both auction threads should be merged. What do you think?
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by CLINT »

Yes fine, merge away :)
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by AutoshiteBoy »

There a lot of PILOT ERROR in the thread....;)
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by Warren t claim »

AutoshiteBoy wrote: Mon Jun 17, 2019 6:59 pm There a lot of PILOT ERROR in the thread....;)
I never said I was perfect!
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Re: Tales Of A Car Auction Driver (back in the 80s content)

Post by The Reverend Bluejeans »

I bought a Midnight blue Cortina 2.0 GLS on a V plate from WOMA in 1989. The handling was utterly atrocious, I mean really, really bad to the point of being dangerous. Turns out one of the two upper axle locating links had a bolt missing. Put some new voids in and away it went for £995.

I bought a G plate Alfa 33 in white around 1993 so just 3-4 years old. Absolutely mint but clack clack clack went a cam lobe. I absolutely stole it at £1200 as no trader would touch it. Next day, I took the head off, banged a good used cam in and reassembled it with a new head gasket - those flat four Sud engines were so piss easy to work on. Took it to Black and White Garage in Newbury who were an Alfa main dealer, and they retailed it for £2995 with £2300 returned to me. Not a bad day's work.

I did a few Metros but they were just hard work. They always had an issue so I gave them up. Mark 3 Escrotes, Sierras, Cortinas, Ashtrays and Chavaliers were better news but by 1993 every fucker was doing it and there was no money left.
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